HI, MY NAME IS DENISE. IM SINGLE 34 YEARS OLD AND WITH THREE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS, AGES: 16,11,9
GOD SENT ANGELS TO OUR WORLD, KNOWN AS HUMAN BEINGS.
PLEASE WHEN READING MY STORY, I ASK THAT YOU READ IT WITH AN OPEN MIND AND HEART.
I GREW UP IN A VERY SMALL TOWN. THERE'S WAS NOTHING FOR TEENAGERS TO DO. BUT GET INTO TROUBLE. I MET MY OLDEST DAUGHTERS DAD WHEN I WAS 14, AND HE WAS 29.(I KNOW YOUR MOUTH IS PROBABLY HANGING ON THE GROUND) I BELIEVE THE REASON MY PARENTS ALLOWED ME TO DATE HIM WAS BECAUSE, ONCE I MET HIM I QUIT GETTING INTO TROUBLE WITH THE SCHOOL, THE LAW, AND I QUIT PARTYING. I GOT PREGNANT AT 15, MOVED OUT AND HAVE BEEN ON MY OWN EVER SINCE. MY BABY'S DADDY WAS VERY PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE. HE WAS VERY CONTROLLING. I MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF THAT I WAS GOING TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL KNOW MATTER WHAT. I WORKED MY BUTT OFF, GOING TO DAY SCHOOL, AND ALSO NIGHT SCHOOL, TAKING CARE OF A BABY, AND WORKING A PART TIME JOB. BUT I DID IT! AFTER 5YEARS OF ABUSE, I FINALLY GOT THE NERVE TO LEAVE HIM.
I WAS SINGLE FOR 2 MONTHS WHEN I MET MY EX-HUSBAND. WE WHERE MARRIED ALLMOST 14 YEARS. WE HAD THE PERFECT PICTURE FAMILY. HE HAD A GOOD PAYING JOB. AND I ALSO HAD A GOOD PAYING JOB WORKING FOR THE POST OFFICE. THE LAST 5YRS OF OUR MARIAGE I STARTED TO ABUSE PAIN PILLS. LORATABS THEN OXY'S(PHARMACITACUL HERION) IT DID NOT TAKE LONG BEFORE THE PILLS WAS NOT ENOUGH. SO I TRIED METH. THATS ALL IT TOOK WAS ONE HIT. JUST ONE HIT! AND I WAS HOOKED. I CONTINUED TO TO BE THE PTA, GIRL SCOUTS MOM. KNOW BODY HAD ANY CLUE THAT I WAS USEING METH. EVEN MY HUSBAND DIDNT KNOW, HE KNEW I WAS ABUSING THE PILLS.
I HAD BEEN HAVING GRAND MALL SEIZURES ABOUT THREE YEARS. THE DR. DID NOT KNOW WHY I WAS HAVING THEM. HE THOUGHT MAYBE IT COULD OF BEEN FROM A CAR ACCIDENT I WAS IN 15YRS EARLIER. I KNEW WHY I WAS HAVING SEIZURES, BUT I WASNT GOING TO TELL MY FAMILY.
THE LAST SIX MONTHS OF OUR MARRIAGE, THE DRUGS HAD TOOKEN OVER MY LIFE. I STARTED TO SPEND MY WHOLE PAY CHECK FOR DRUGS. I NEVER WENT TO THE BARS, NEVER WENT OUT PARTYING. I WAS WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A CLOSET USER BEFORE THAT. THEN I STARTED TO TAKE OFF FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND, RENTING A MOTEL ROOM SO I COULD GET HIGH ALL WEEKEND LONG. I STARTED TO MISS ALOT OF WORK. I WAS IN A VICIOUS CYCLE AND DID NOT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT. I DECIDED TO CHECK MYSELF INTO REHAB. I DETOXED THERE FOR 7 DAYS. BUT I HAD SO MUCH PAIN INSIDE AND GUILT FOR WHAT I DID TO MY HUSBAND AND KIDS AND MY FAMILY,(EXPICALLY MY DAD AND MY SISTER ESTHER) I COULDNT HANDLE IT. I WAS GOING OUT. AND I WAS GOING OUT USING DRUGS. SO I CHECKED MYSELF OUT OF REHAB AND DROVE STRAIGHT TO MY DEALERS HOUSE. I WAS THERE 7DAYS. IN THAT 7DAYS I SPENT EVERYTHING I HAD SAVED $3000.00 ON ANY KIND OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL I COULD GET. THEY SAID I WAS HAVING SO MANY SEIZURES. I REMEMBER COMING TO AFTER A SEIZURE, AND THE FRONT OF ME WAS COVERED WITH BLOOD FROM ME GETTTING SICK. I'D CHANGE MY CLOTHES AND GO SMOKE SOME MORE. METH. EVERY DAY I KEPT TELLING THEM, YA, I'LL GO BACK TO REHAB TOMORROW, OR THE NEXT DAY, OR THE NEXT. ON THE 7DAY MY DEALER LEFT TO GO PICK UP HIS SISTER. WHILE THEY WHERE GONE I KEPT BEGGING HIS GIRLFRIEND TO SMOKE SOME MORE METH WITH ME. SHE KEPT TELLING ME SHE HAD ENOUGH. I KEPT BUGGING HER UNTIL SHE GAVE IN. WHEN HE CAME HOME HE FOUND HER LAYING ON THE FLOOR, AND I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF IT ON THE COUCH. HE TOLD HIS SISTER TO TAKE ME BACK TO THE REHAB, AND HE WAS GOING TO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL. DAYS LATER I GET A PHONE CALL FROM HIM. HE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD DIED. SHE HAD O.D. ON ALL THE THINGS WE WHERE DOING. I CANT EXPLAIN THE GUILT I FELT. THAT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE ME! NOT HER. ME! I WENT TO MY ROOM GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES AND PRAYED FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL. I KNEW RIGHT THEN, GOD SAVED ME FOR A REASON. I TRUELY BELIEVE IT'S TO HELP OTHER ADDICTS, SO MAYBE THEY WONT HAVE TO GO DOWN THE PATH I DID. THAT'S WHEN I TOOK THE FIRST STEP: I ADMITTED I WAS POWERLESS OVER DRUGS AND THAT MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGABLE. I COMPLETED THE 30 DAY PROGRAM. AND I'M VERY PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER FOR 2YRS AND 2MON. IN OUR LITTLE TOWN WE ONLY HAD 1 N.A. MEETING A WEEK. I'VE HELPED TO GET MEETING GOING 7 DAYS A WEEK. I REALIZED DENISE WAS NOT A BAD PERSON. DENISE HAS A DISEASE CALLED ADDICTION.
A WEEK OUT OF REHAB I LEFT MY HUSBAND. HE IS SUCH A WONDERFUL MAN. EVERY TIME I LOOKED INTO HIS FACE, ALL I COULD SEE WAS PAIN THAT I HAD CAUSED. HE DESERVES NOTHING BETTER THEN THE BEST. I WAS'NT IT FOR HIM. I LEFT HIM EVERYTHING, HE DESERVED IT. I TOOK MY CLOTHES, MY OLDER DAUGHTERS THINGS, AND HALF OF MY 2 YOUNGER GIRLS THINGS. I'M VERY HAPPY TO SAY THAT WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS.
THINGS WHERE GOING GREAT. I FELT THE PEACE AND SERENITY INSIDE OF ME. A FEELING I NEVER FELT BEFORE. I WENT BACK TO WORK, I BOUGHT A HOUSE. ME A HOUSE! BY MYSELF.
AFTER A YEAR THINGS STARTED TO GO DOWNHILL. WE GOT A NEW BOSS. THE BOSS WOULD HIT ON ME ALL THE TIME. I'D TELL HIM I WAS'NT INTERESTED. BUT HE WOULD KEEP PURSUING ME. UNTIL I MENTIONED SEXUAL HARRASSMENT. THEN HE CHANGED. (WHEN I CAME BACK TO WORK I HAD TO SIGN A LAST CHANCE AGREEMENT, MEANING I COULDNT MISS ALOT OF DAYS LIKE I HAD BEFORE, AND A FEW OTHER MINOR THINGS) MY BOSS WOULD YELL AT ME IN FRONT OF MY FELLOW CO-WORKERS, TRY TO WRITE ME UP FOR EVERYTHING LITTLE THING HE COULD FIND. HE EVEN PLANTED THINGS TO TRY TO GET ME IN TROUBLE. IT GOT TO THE POINT THAT I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE AN ANXIETY PILL, BEFORE I WENT TO WORK, CUZ I KNEW AS SOON AS HE GOT THERE, HE WAS HEADING STRAIGHT TO ME TO YELL ABOUT SOMETHING. I STARTED TO HAVE REALLY BAD ANXIETY ATTACKS AND PAIN ATTACKS. WHICH GOT SO BAD I STARTED TO HAVE SEIZURES AGAIN. I HAD NOT HAD A SEIZURE IN LITTLE OVER A YEAR. I STARTED TO MISS ALOT OF WORK. THESE WHERE GROUNDS FOR MY BOSS TO FIRE ME. I TALKED TO MY UNION REP, AND HE ADVISED ME, THE BEST THING FOR ME TO DO WAS TO GO OUT ON DISABILITY. THE POST OFFICE DOESNT WANT TO LOOK BAD, BY TRYING TO FIRE A PERSON WHO IS DISABLED. SO THEY PUT ME ON LONG TERM LEAVE UNTIL MY DISABILITY CAME THREW. THIS WAS AUG, 05 THIS IS ALSO WHEN I APPLIED FOR DISABILITY. A YEAR LATER, IVE BEEN DENIED AND AM NOW APPEALING IT. I,VE WORKED FOR THE POST OFFICE FOR 10YRS. I WAS DEVASTATED.
THIS IS WHEN MY DEPRESSION STARTED. IT IS VERY HUMILIATING TO BE 33 AND HAVING TO GO ON DISABILITY. HERE I AM IN A NEW HOME, KIDS TO SUPPORT. AND NO INCOME COMEING IN. I'VE ALLWAYS TOOK PRIDE THAT I SUPPORTED MY KIDS THERE WHOLE LIVES. I CANT EVEN GET STATE ASSISTANCE, BECAUSE I OWN A HOME. THAT UPSETS ME SO BAD, I'VE WORKED MY BUTT OFF SINCE I WAS 18, I'VE WORKED REALLY HARD FOR THE THINGS I HAVE NOW. BECAUSE I'VE GOT THEM SINCE I SOBERED UP, WHICH MEANS ALOT TO ME. I KNOW WOMEN WHO NEVER WORK AND GET STATE ASSISTANCE, YET THE STATE CANT HELP ME OUT. PLEASE DONT GET ME WRONG IM NOT BASHING THE WOMEN. IM UPSET WITH THE SYSTEM. THIS DID NOT HELP MY SEIZURES AT ALL. I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO PULL MY RETIREMENT OUT. SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY. GOD IS WATCHING OVER ME AND MY GIRLS, THAT MONEY HAS PROVIDED AND TOOKEN CARE OF US FOR ALLMOST A YEAR. ITS NOW DEPLETED.
THREE MONTHS LATER I FOUND OUT I HAD THE BEGINING STAGES OF CANCER IN MY UTERUS. AND NEEDED SURGURY. MY MOM WHO WAS EMBARRESSED TO HAVE A RECOVING DRUG ADDICT DAUGHTER, HAD TURNED THE WHOLE FAMILY AGAINST ME. EXCEPT MY DAD, AND 1 OF MY SISTERS. ESTHER AND HER MY WONDERFUL BRO-IN-LAW. SHE WOULD MAKE UP HORRIBLE LIES ABOUT ME TO THE FAMILY AND TO MY KIDS. I FINALLY CONFRONTED HER, TO MAKE AMENDS. FOR THE PAIN I CAUSED HER. SHE DID NOT ACCEPT MY AMEND. I JUST MADE HER EVEN MORE MAD. SHE LEFT TO GO TO HAWAII WHERE SHE IS FROM FOR AWHILE TO GET AWAY, SHE SAID SHE COULD NOT STAND TO BE AROUND ME ANYMORE. SHE LEFT THE DAY BEFORE MY SURGURY. MY MOM BROKE MY HEART. I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE DOWN AT LEAST 8WKS, BUT DAYS LATER AFTER MY SURGURY, MY DAD FOUND OUT HE HAD TO HAVE MASSIVE HEART SURGURY. THEY GAVE HIM A 30% CHANCE SURVIVAL RATE. MOM STILL WOULD NOT COME HOME. I HAD TO, NO I WANTED TO TAKE HIM TO ALL HIS APPOINTMENTS AND TESTS HE NEEDED TO GET DONE. IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTIME I WOULD PICK MYSELF BACK UP, I WOULD GET SLAMMED DOWN WITH SOMETHING ELSE BAD.(I REMEMEBER SAYING, GOD IS REALLY TESTING ME, I KNOW NOW THAT IS NOT TRUE) I EVEN REMEMBER SAYING HOW COULD THINGS GET ANY WORSE. WELL THEY DID. AND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT HAS DESTROYED ME, MY OLDEST DAUGHTER,MY DAD, THE WHOLE FAMILY.
ON THANKSGIVING DAY, MY OLDEST TOLD ME SHE WAS PREGNENT. I WAS HURT AND UPSET. SHE GOT PREGNENT BY HER FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND, AND AS SOON AS HE FOUND OUT HE SKIPPED STATE. HOW WAS I GOING TO PROVIDE FOR A BABY, WHEN I DONT KNOW HOW I WAS GOING TO PROVIDE FOR US. THESE NEXT WORDS THAT I SAID TO MY DAUGHTER AND HER REPLY WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER: I ASKED HER TO GET AN ABORTION, AND SHE CALLED ME A BABY KILLER.(I PRAY EVERY NIGHT FOR GOD'S FORGIVENESS AND MY DAUGHTER'S FOR SAYING THAT) I TOOK HER TO HER FIRST O.B. APPT. AND WHEN I HEARD THE BABYS HEART BEAT, I FEEL IN LOVE. I KNEW THEN THAT BABY WAS'NT GOING ANYWHERE BUT HOME WITH HIS MOM. SHE WAS 31/2 MONTHS ALONG. IT BREAKS MY HEART TO THINK SHE HAD TO KEEP IT A SECRET FOR SO LONG. WE FOUND OUT SHE WAS HAVING A BOY. THE FIRST BOY IN THE FAMILY. I HAD ONLY THE THREE GIRLS, AND MY DAD ONLY HAD ME. MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE FROM MY MOM'S PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. WHEN WE FOUND OUT ABOUT MY DAD'S CONDITION, MY OLDEST MOVED IN WITH HIM, UNTIL MY MOM CAME HOME, TO KEEP HIM COMPANY, I COULDNT STAND THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING ALONE. THEY BECAME VERY CLOSE. SHE SURPRISED MY DAD WITH ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS. SHE ASKED HIM IF IT WOULD BE O.K. IF SHE GAVE HER SON MY DADS LAST NAME. BECUASE SHE KNOWS THAT WHEN MY DAD DIES SO DOES THE BATES LINE. THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO MY DAD, I STILL DONT THINK SHE FULLY UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH THAT MEANT. THE FIRST PART OF JANUARY MY MOM CAME HOME, SO I GOT MY DAUGHTER BACK. HER FEELINGS TOWARDS ME STILL HAD NOT CHANGED.
ON FEB 25, 06 MY DAUGHTER WENT INTO PREMATURE LABOR. SHE WAS LITTLE OVER 7MONTHS. I RUSHED HER DOWN TO THE ONLY HOSPITAL IN TOWN(1ST BIG MISTAKE, WE HAVE THE WORST HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD) THE DR KICKED ME OUT OF THE ROOM WHILE THEY DID AN ULTASOUND. I THOUGHT THAT WAS KIND OF WEIRD THAT HE DID THAT. BUT I WAS IN SUCH SHOCK, IT WAS ALLMOST LIKE MY BRAIN WAS JUST NUMB. WHEN THEY LET ME BACK IN, HE EXPLAIN THAT, THE SAC THAT THE BABY IS IN, IS BULGING OUT OF THE UTURES, AND THAT HE WAS ALSO BREECH. HE SAID THAT BEST CHANCE OF SURVIVAL WAS TO DO AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION. HE CALLED LIFE FLIGHT TO TAKE HIM AS SOON AS HE WAS BORN, BECAUSE THEY WHERE NOT EQUIPPED TO TAKE CARE OF A PREMIE. I FELT LIKE THIS WAS ALL A BAD DREAM, OH HOW I WISH IT REALLY WAS. OH HOW I WISH! THEY ALLOWED ME TO BE IN THE O.R. ROOM WITH HER. THEY HAD A SHEET UP ABOVE MY DAUGTERS HEAD SO SHE COULD NOT SEE. BUT THEY PUT MY CHAIR FACEING STRAIGHT AT THE TABLE. I COULD SEE EVERYTHING. WHAT I SAW DURING THE SURGURY IS FOREVER EMBEDED IN MY BRAIN, I'LL NEVER FORGET, EVER! LIFE FLIGHT ARRIVED, GOT THERE THINGS SET UP, NOW WE WHERE JUST WAITING FOR THE ANATHESEOLIGIST TO ARRIVE. WE WAITED 45MIN FOR HIM TO ARRIVE THEN TOOK ANOTHER 15MIN FOR HIM TO GET THINGS SET UP. 1 HOUR, THAT'S NOT RIGHT!
THE DR. STARTED THE SURGURY, HE CUT HER HIP TO HIP. REACHED HIS HANDS IN AND COULD NOT REACH HIM. HE THEN CUT HER UPWARD, REACHED IN AND STILL COULD NOT GET TO HIM, HE CUT UP A LITTLE FURTHER, TRIED AGAIN. STILL COULD NOT REACH HIM. HE THEN CUT HER WITH BANDAGE SCIRRORS.(I ALLWAYS THOUGHT THEY WHERE SAFETY SCIRRORS TO BE USED ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BODY) HE THEN GRABED A J-HOOK( A J-HOOK IS A LONG BAR SHAPED LIKE A J AT ONE END. HE STUCK IT IN HER INCISION AND HAD THE NURSE PULL THE BAR TOWARDS MY DAUGHTERS HEAD. HE REACHED IN HER STOMACH AGAIN, AND COULD NOT GET TO HIM. HE THEM GRABED ANOTHER J-HOOK PUT IT ON THE OTHER END OF THE INCISION AND HAD ANOTHER NURSE PULL TOWARDS HER HEAD. NOW MY DAUGHTERS STOMACH IS STRECTCHED WIDE OPEN. HE REACHED IN AGAIN AND COULD NOT GET TO HIM. HE GRABED SOME SCISSORS AND CUT THE PLACENTA. ALL OF A SUDDEN, BLOOD JUST POURED OFF THE TABLE. IT WAS SO BAD IT SPLASHED UP TO MY KNEES, MY SHOES WHERE COVERED IN BLOOD. I COULD SEE THE PANIC IN THE DR.S FACE HE YELLED FOR ANOTHER NURSE TO GO UP BY MY DAUGHTERS HEAD AND PUSH DOWNWARD RIGHT BELOW HER BREAST'S, HE WAS YELLING PUSH DOWN HARDER. THEN FINALLY HE CAME OUT WITH MY GRANDSON. HE WAS BLACK, FROM LACK OF OXYGEN, BECAUSE THE DR TOOK SO LONG TO GET HIM OUT. HE HANDED SIERUZ(MY GRANDSON) OVER TO THE LIFE FLIGHT TEAM. TIME STOOD STILL WHILE THEY WHERE WORKING ON HIM. THEY FINALLY GOT HIM BREATHING, GOT A VENTALATOR IN. ONE OF THE LIFE FLIGHT TEAM MEMBERS TURNED AND LOOKED AT ME AND GAVE ME A THUMBS UP. A EXTRA FILL IN NURSE FROM THE HOSPITAL, WALKED OVER AND STEPED ON THE VENTALATOR TUBE AND PULLED IT OUT. I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAY. THE LIFE FLIGHT TEAM, GOT IT BACK IN. GOT HIM HOOKED UP TO WIRES AND TUBES AND PUT HIM IN A INCUBATOR. THEY WHEELED HIM OVER TO MY DAUGHTER FOR HER TO GLANCE IN FOR A FEW MINUTES. THEN THEY LEFT. I ASKED MY DAUGHTER WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO DO, STAY THERE WITH HER, OR GO TO THE UOFU WHERE THEY WHERE TAKING MY GRANDSON. SHE LOOKED AT ME, WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN HER FACE, AND SAID THESE WORDS THAT I WILL TREASURE ALLWAYS. SHE SAID MOM: I WANT YOU TO BE WITH YOUR GRANDSON. I BENT OVER AND JUST HUGGED HER, WITH ALL MY LOVE.... WE CRIED. I GAVE HER A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD, TOLD HER THAT I LOVE HER VERY MUCH. AND I LEFT FOR THE HOSPITAL. IT IS ABOUT A 45MIN DRIVE, THE LONGEST DRIVE EVER.
WHEN I LOOKED IN HIS INCUBATOR, FOR THE FIRST TIME. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO PERCIOUS IN MY LIFE. I WAS A GRANDMA. A VERY PROUD GRANDMA! HE'S SO TINY, HE WEIGHED 1PD 15OZS. AND WAS 13 IN. LONG. MY TEARS WHERE JUST RUNNING OFF THE INCUBATOR. I ASKED THE NURSE IF I COULD STICK MY HAND IN. I REACHED IN AND GRABED HIS LITTLE HAND, HE SQOOZE THE TIP OF MY FINGER. I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT. IT JUST SO HAPPENED THAT THE NURSE THAT WAS ASSIGNED TO MY GRANDSON, I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH. BLESS HER HEART, SHE TOOK THE TIME TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON. ANSWERED ALL MY QUESTIONS. I NEVER LEFT HIS SIDE FOR TWO DAYS. THE ONLY TIME I LEFT WAS TO CALL MY DAUGHTER TO SEE HOW SHE WAS DOING, AND TO TELL HER HOW HER SON WAS, AND WHEN I'D TRY TO EAT SOMETHING. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALONE IN MY LIFE, BEING AT THE HOSPITAL BY MYSELF. I FELT SO TORN. I WANTED MY FAMILY TO BE THERE WITH MY DAUGHTER FOR SUPPORT.
IT WAS LATE THE SECOND NIGHT WHEN THE NURSE, TOLD ME THAT SIERUZ WAS LOOSING BLOOD, AND THEY WERE NOT SURE WHERE THE BLOOD WAS GOING. SHE SAID THAT THEY THINK ITS GOING TO HIS BRAIN, AND THAT THEY WHERE GOING TO DO A BRAIN SCAN. THE NEXT AFTERNOON. I LEFT THE UOFU AT 7:00AM, (THE THIRD DAY) DROVE HOME TOOK A SHOWER, GRABBED SOME CLOTHES FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER. AND LEFT TO GO PICK HER UP. WHEN I WALKED IN HER ROOM, SHE WAS CRYING SO HARD, SO COULD HARDLY TALK. SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH SIERUZ'S DR, AND THEY HAD THE RESULTS BACK FROM THE BRAIN SCAN, AND IT WAS NOT GOOD. MY HEART INSTANTLY SANK. ALL I HAD ON MY MIND WAS TO HORRAY AND GET MY DAUGHTER REUNITED WITH HER SON. WE LEFT ALL HER THINGS THERE I TOLD THE NURSES ID BE LATER TO GET THEM.
WHEN WE ARRIVED, THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN SHE SAW HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME, I'LL NEVER FORGET. THE TEARS JUST ROLLING OFF HER CHEEKS. THE DR'S CAME OVER, SAT US DOWN AND EXPLAIN THAT THEY RATE BRAIN BLEEDS FROM 1-4 4 BEING THE WORST. THEY SAID SIERUZ WAS A #4. ONE OF THE WORST CASES THEY HAD SEEN. THEY TOLD HER THAT THEY COULD TRY TO SAVE HIM, BUT HE WOULD BE ON A VENTALATOR FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE'D NEVER TALK,WALK. SHE TURNED HER HEAD TO ME CRYING, WE BOTH WHERE, THEN SHE TURNED TO THE DR'S AND SAID: I DO NOT WANT MY SON TO SUFFER. THEY SAID THAT IS THE MOST UNSELFISH THING A MOM CAN DECIDE FOR HER CHILD. DURING THE TWO DAYS, I WONDERED TO MYSELF, IF IT EVER CAME DOWN TO THIS, WOULD SHE BEABLE TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISSION? WELL IT WASNT HER IT WAS ME. I DID WANT TO BE SELFISH, THIS WAS SO UNFAIR. I KEPT TELLING THEM THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING THEY CAN DO FOR HIM, I ASKED OVER AND OVER. UNTIL FINALLY THE WHEELED IN A COMPUTER, THEY SHOWED US A BABY WITH A #4 BRAIN BLEED, THEN THEY SHOWED US MY GRANDSON'S. OH MY GOSH, THE LITTLE GUY HAD SO MUCH PRESSURE IN HIS LITTLE HEAD, THAT IT WAS POKING HOLES THREW HIS BRIAN. I KNEW THEN, THAT THIS WAS THE RIGHT DECISSION. BUT IT STILL DIDNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER.
THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH WORDS OR HUGS TO COMFORT MY DAUGHTER. IF I COULD TAKE HER PAIN ON TO MYSELF, I WOULD. I WOULD TRADE MY LIFE FOR HIS. MY EX-HUSBAND CAME UP WITH MY OTHER TWO. SO THEY COULD SAY GOOD-BYE TO THERE NEPHEW. MY PARENTS ALSO CAME UP.
THEY PUT US IN A PRIVATE ROOM SO WE COULD HAVE SOME PRIVACY. MY DAUGHTER GOT TO SPEND 17 GLOURIOUS HOURS WITH HIM. SHE GOT TO GIVE HIM HIS FIRST BATH, GOT HIM DRESSED IN HIS FIRST OUTFIT. CHANGE HIS DIAPER. I'M SO GREATFUL SHE GOT THE CHANCE TO DO THESE THINGS FOR HER SON. I SAT NEXT TO HER WHILE SHE HELD HIM, SHE LOOKED OVER EVERY INCH ON HIS LITTLE BODY AT LEAST 1000 TIMES, EVERY STRAIND OF HAIR. WHEN I HELD HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME, I PUT HIM UP TO MY FACE AND JUST BREATHED HIM IN. EVERY NOW AND AGIAIN I WILL SMELL HIM. I KNOW HE'S WATCHING OVER US. EVERYBODY GOT THERE CHANCE TO HOLD HIM. AND LOVE ON HIM. MY DAUGHTER WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN, SHE COULD'NT EVEN WALK. YET SHE NEVER LEFT HIS SIDE ONCE.
IT WAS 12:00 MIDNIGHT WHEN SHE DECIDED TO LET THEM TAKE THE VENTALTOR OUT. IT TOOK TWO HOURS FOR HIS LITTLE HEART TO STOP BEATING. I CAN'T EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW HARD IT WAS, TO WATCH HIM GASPING FOR AIR, THE NURSE COMEING IN EVERY 5-10MIN TO LISTEN TO HIS HEART, SHE'D LISTEN, LOOK UP AT ME, SHAKE HER HEAD NO. THEN WALK BACK OUT OF THE ROOM. EVERY TIME SHE CAME IN, EVERYONE WENT SILENT, WHILE WE WAITED FOR HER TO LISTEN. WHEN SHE SAID SHE COULD NOT HEAR A HEARTBEAT, AT THE VERY MOMENT A BIG PIECE OF ME DIED TO. THE DR CAME IN, LISTENED, AND PERNOUNCED HIM GONE. HE DIED AT 2:05A.M. EVERYONE LEFT SOON AFTER, AND IT WAS JUST ME, MY DAUGHTER, AND MY GRANDSON. I HELD HER, WHILE SHE HELD HIM, AND WE CRIED TOGETHER. THIS WAS JUST OUR TIME WITH HIM. THEN I SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH AND IT WAS JUST HER AND HER SON. I WASNT RUSHING HER I WANTED HER TO TAKE ALL THE TIME SHE WANTED. IT WAS ABOUT 6:00 IN THE MORNING WHEN SHE TOLD ME: MOM, IM TIRED, I'M READY TO GO HOME. I TOLD HER O.K. BABY, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME. I WILL NEVER FORGET HOW I FELT INSIDE WHEN SHE HANDED MY GRANDSON, BACK TO THE NURSE. I KNEW THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER WAS GOING TO HOLD HIM EVER. IT RAINED OVER THE WHOLE STATE OF UTAH THAT DAY. I BELIEVE IT WAS GOD MOURNING WITH US. GODS TEARS, WAS THE RAIN.
I FEEL VERY TRUELY BLESSED, THAT I GOT TO SPEND THREE GLOURIOUS DAYS WITH MY GRANDSON. I WILL TREASURE IT FOREVER IN MY HEART. "ALLWAYS" I ONLY WISH MY DAUGHTER COULD OF GOT THE OPPORTUNITY LIKE I DID. IN THE SHORT THREE DAYS OF HIS LITTLE LIFE. HE TOUCHED ALOT OF PEOPLE. THE WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL WHERE MY DAUGHTER ATTENDED, WHO MEMORIAL PATCHES ON THERE CLOTHES FOR WEEKS.
GOD WAS LOOKING OVER US, WHEN WE ARRIVED HOME, I CHECKED THE MAIL, AND MY INCOME TAX CHECK HAD CAME IN. THIS IS WHAT I USED TO PAY FOR THE FUNERAL. IF IT WOULDNT OF CAME IN, I HAD NO IDEA HOW I WAS GOING TO PAY FOR THE FUNERAL.
4 DAYS AFTER THE FUNERAL, MY DAD HAD TO GO IN FOR HIS HEART SURGURY. THE SURGURY WENT WELL. BUT HE LIKE MYSELF AND MY DAUGHTER ARE STILL HAVEING A REALLY HARD TIME WITH MY GRANDSONS DEATH.
I HAVE NO INCOME COMEING IN. I HAD TO TAKE A LOAN OUT AGAINST MY CAR. MY HOME IS STARTING TO GO INTO FORECLOSER. OUR HOME MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, THIS IS WHERE MY NEW JOURNEY IN LIFE STARTED. THIS IS WHERE, THE MEMORIES OF MY GRANDSON ARE. I'M LOOSING MY CAR. EVERYTHING I'VE WORKED SO HARD FOR, I'M LOOSING. AND ITS TEARING ME UP INSIDE. I'M PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINED. I DONT KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN FOR HELP.
WHAT I'VE BEEN THREW IN A YEAR TIME, IS WHAT SOME PEOPLE, GO THREW IN A LIFE TIME. AND I SHARE IN MEETNGS, IF I CAN GO THREW ALL OF THESE THINGS CLEAN AND SOBER. THEN ANYONE CAN.STAY SOBER NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS THERE WAY.
I'M GRACIOUSLY ASKING YOU KIND PEOPLE. FOR HELP, HELP TO SAVE OUR HOME. AND THE ONLY VECHILE I HAVE. YOUR KINDNESS, TO KEEP ME AND MY GIRLS IN YOUR PRAYERS, ESPICALLY FOR MY BEAUTIFUL 16YR OLD WHO HAS GONE THREW, WHAT PARENTS FEAR MOST, THE DEATH OF THERE OWN CHILD. I SO LONG FOR THAT PEACE AND SERENITY BACK. LET GO- LET GOD
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ MY STORY.
GOD BLESS TO YOU ALL
DENISE GORDON
873 WEST 770 SOUTH
TOOELE, UTAH 84074
435-843-5317
435-849-2168
